Is it my mental health or the state of the world

I keep running away from myself

Never wanting to really get a good look in the mirror

Worried about what I’ll think if I look to close

If I open my mouth for too long maybe people will see through the facade that I have created

That’s just it

I know there is a facade and I don’t know who I am without it

So I am forced to act like someone I don’t want to act like

Think like someone that I don’t want to think like

Which part of me is me

and which part of me is the me they made me be

I always preface everything I say or do

I’ll even preface my thoughts to myself

I don’t want people to get the wrong idea

I don’t want people to think I’m mean

Or dumb

Or too much

I want them to see me but I feel like everyone is so hell bent on doing the opposite

They see right through me like I don’t exist

And you know what?

That makes me angry 

It makes me angry because now I am surrounded by people that truly love and cherish me and I can’t feel it

They are just empty words to me

Decades of getting lied to

Years of being bullied

Months of debilitating depression

I can’t trust other people because no one can be trusted

I hate that deep down I feel this way 

But what I hate more is that I know exactly why I feel this way

I was made to feel not safe

Too small

Too stupid

Too dumb

Too black

Too white 

Too loud

Too sensitive

And with every swing of a wand I would morph into what I thought they wanted me to be

And I always got it wrong

I don’t want to give a shit about what you think of me

I don’t want to be stuck in my head all of the time replaying past conversations and blaming myself for every incident 

I don’t want to do these things that are literally fucking killing me

But here I am

Doing them anyway

Because I’m sick

I don’t want to be sick anymore

How much of my slow healing process is because of my mental health disorder 

Or just the fact that I am too weak to make a big shift and get off my ass

When it’s a physical thing you can point to the pain point and list the reasons why you can’t do the things that you once were able to do

I can’t do that

I won’t do that

I shouldn’t have to do that

If I tell you that I’m hurting

Why is that never enough?

But now I am in this cruel world that I have always been terrified of

Knowing that my mind is fucked 

Not because of 

My 

own doing 

But that doesn’t mean shit because now 

I

Have to take care of it

Now

It’s do or die

And oh boy

I can tell you how many times I wanted to die

But I can also tell you all of the times that I wanted to live

Humans are weird like that

Sometimes we want to die and sometimes we’re scared of death

Such odd creatures we are

Broken people

In a broken society

Doing corrupt things

To get their needs

Shot down for doing so

Taken out for saying no

How much of this is my mental health 

And how much of this is the state of the world

But fuck

It seems like someone has to stand up and say something

But we all know how that ends

Don’t stand up 

You’ll get shot down

Get shot down

Be known forever

Don’t reap your benefits 

But possibly save the world

Or in your next life still realize that the world is still fucked and just the way you left it

So what happens then